Why You Should Let Go Of Expectations
Kent R.
There is a very popular, really challenging hike in the Seattle area called “Mailbox Peak." It’s about 8 miles and 4,000 feet of elevation gain. And at the top, you get incredible views of the cascade mountains. And there is a beat up old mailbox where people leave little notes, meditations, and prayers.
Kent and I did this hike, and when we got to the top, the clouds were so thick that we had absolutely no view. And we could barely find the mailbox.
And, yet, it turned out to be one of our favorite hikes of the year.
In the Stop Hating Mondays book, we talk a lot about uncertainty and the power of letting go of outcomes. And that’s what we’re discussing on today’s episode of the Stop Hating Mondays Podcast.
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TRANSCRIPT
Caanan
So there's this really popular, challenging hike in the Seattle area called Mailbox Peak that people love to do. Long story short, it's about 8 miles and 4,000 feet of elevation gain. And at the top you're getting incredible views of the Cascade Mountains. And there's this old beat-up mailbox where people leave little notes and meditations and prayers. It's really cool.
Anyway, Kent and I did this hike last summer. And when we got to the top, it was so socked in with clouds that we couldn't see anything. Like, forget a view of the Cascade Mountains or Mount Rainier, we couldn't even find the mailbox.
In the Stop Hating Mondays book, we talk a lot about uncertainty and the power of letting go of outcomes. And that's what we're discussing on today's episode of the Stop Hating Mondays Podcast.
Caanan
Well, I've got a pretty clear agenda today, so I'm asking some questions that I'm certain many listeners and readers have. At the very least, I know that what you're going to share will be very helpful to everybody.
Let me just get to it.
Why is embracing uncertainty so important in the development journey?
Kent
We just… We kind of jumped ahead and got to this in a prior podcast, but so once you've done this deep work of figuring out you and then taking an honest look at your life and putting those two acts together into determining your passion – kind of road-mapping out what really matters to you, what really should matter to you – then you're, what we say, you're really on the path. And what's really great about what happens – we call this like the 4th part of the process – what's really exciting about this is then you're on the path you, you're just what we call staying the course. But it's kind of where the greatest challenges can come – where there can be lots of little things…
It's like when you decide to give up social media for a month, right? You make this healthy choice to stay off Instagram for a month and then you're like, “Oh, but I need to check and see what's going on with this or what's going on with this person?” You know?! You start kind of creating these things that can get you off your path. But the beautiful transformation that occurs at this fourth stage is that you really realize that it's the journey and not the destination!
Nothing is ever the destination. (Well, I take that back. Not always, but for the most part.)
If you're not leaning into the journey, that's where the magic happens. Your destination is sort of this always possible changing thing based on your journey. So, I like that you brought up that example of hiking or any great pursuit like that. You don't know what the outcome is going to be. You don't know. you don't know. There's going to be rain on your wedding. You don't know if there's gonna be clouds at the end of your hike. You don't know if the campground is going to be closed because of bear activity. You don't know if a snowstorm is going to keep the concert from happening. Like, you just don't know! So the beautiful work that you've done in the first three sections is getting on the right path / being sure you're on the right path, getting on the right path and then four is about staying the course – being strong in what you've learned and learning that the joy is in the journey.
Caanan
What are some of the benefits we've seen clients experience when they embrace?
Kent
I always think about the story we tell in Stop Hating Mondays about Linda who started a new business, had done everything right, prepared to make the jump from her longtime in-house marketing position to break out on her own. We talk about how there is nothing irresponsible or impulsive. That she'd done her research that she knew it might take time to build a portfolio of clients. Yet there's this period of uncertainty that comes, as we just talked about, that made her question everything and consider actions that weren't aligned with her strengths or values. She was at times being tempted by those quick fixes. But, we went on to say, that she knew she was on the right path. She was able to quiet that voice that told her to seek those quick fixes – the short-term solutions – that could undermine an entire plan. That she had to endure these periods of uncertainty. It took some time to build that portfolio of clients as she knew it would, but she was wise enough to ride it out.
This is the beauty of embracing that uncertainty. When you've got that self-knowledge, you know that the good and bad are both going. To come. And that's why you quit focusing on outcomes. You focus on doing the right thing now and then right after that and then after that. And then this evening and then to night and then tomorrow morning.
Caanan
And the right thing is decisions that align with what you've learned about yourself: your strengths, your values.
Kent
Yes, because no decision in honor of your strengths and values – working under the umbrella of a healthy life wheel – no decision you make in service of that is a wrong decision, even if it changes the outcome! Right?! And you're never going to be like, “Oh, I'm so mad my initial desired outcome didn't work because I followed something that aligned with who I am!” No! You're never going to say that! You're going to be very happy that you made incremental decisions that aligned with who you are, based on this self-knowledge you have. And you're tweaking the outcome if need be as you move along. And you realize, like, “wow, this journey was the best part of the whole thing, this kind of semi-uncertain journey grounded in self-knowledge.” That for most people who attain this kind of self-awareness and fulfillment… Then you're excited to get right back on the path to head to your next outcome, knowing that it's not the outcome that matters. It's just this thing out there!
Because demarcation points are important. That's why your birthday is important. Your anniversary? A new year. Those things are important. They help demark time and movement in space and place. But they're not why you're on the journey.
This is the magic of this stage.
Caanan
All right. What happens when you let go of outcomes?
Kent
Easy. Expectations are out the window.
And we all know we all know how troublesome expectations can be if you cling to them.
And that's what you know what… what people find they're so often clinging to is not the actual amount of time you're going to spend in the doing or on the journey. You're giving all this mental mind share away to the expectation you have for the outcome.
So when you let go of outcomes, you start to right size expectations. Because – yeah, I'm waiting for the next person to write in for our next season, “don't we all have expectations?” Yes, we all have expectations, but they get right sized when you have the knowledge of yourself.
Knowledge of self and, as I said – I think it was in the first episode of this season – nothing could take that away from you. So an outcome shifts. An outcome gets eliminated. An expectation is tweaked. Yes, we all have expectations. It doesn't matter because when it's done in service of self-knowledge, it's not that big of a deal. But in the absence of self-knowledge, that's when outcomes being taken away: that concert being cancelled, the division doubling in size… Oh, it becomes so devastating because you had an expectation – a blind expectation – that whatever was supposed to happen. So, when this is the case… I wrote a note here that your journey focuses on going with the flow and you adjust it as needed and. That provides a great sense of peace when you're able to operate with that mindset, and with that framework.
